


i'll follow that light (i wanna wake up)

by venusbot



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Panic Attacks, markren if u squint, nct are a good family, non-au, the other dream members are there too, trans renjun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-20 16:04:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16558841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venusbot/pseuds/venusbot
Summary: “so. i’m not a boy? at least i don’t think so? it’s really confusing and i’m not sure of anything honestly but this has been eating at me for at least the past two years and i hated keeping this from all of you because it felt i was lying to you but i think i’m finally ready to tell you and i hope this doesn’t change anything because i love you all so much and. yeah,”- or, renjun struggling with his gender identity.





	i'll follow that light (i wanna wake up)

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO i'm back with some more renjun angst i .need to stop projecting on him sjskks anyway i hope u enjoy this! 
> 
> **trigger warning!!** descriptions of dysphoria and panic attacks, that's it but stay safe! <3 
> 
> title from holland's "i'm not afraid"

renjun pulled his feet up to his chest, trying to control his tears and maybe stop them from spilling over. he didn’t know why he was feeling like this: like he wanted to rip each and every piece of his body to shreds, like he wanted to pull out all strands of his hair, like he wanted to step out of his own skin. he couldn’t think of an explanation – he didn’t _want_ to – he just wanted it to stop stop stop.

it wasn’t the first time it was happening. it wasn’t the incident itself that bothered renjun, but the fact that it was having such a major effect on him. he could deal with it, he knew he could, he _had_ to – he couldn’t allow such a small thing to distract him or cause him to be a burden for the group. he was just weak, and all he had to get stronger.

these thoughts, however rational they felt to him, didn’t help him in his current situation. biting his lips, renjun leaned further backwards, pushing his back against the wall. he was sitting on the floor, hoping that the cool tile under his feet would help jolt him back to his senses. yet the same inexplicable feeling of self-destruction kept surfacing, evading all attempts that renjun made to push it to the back of his mind. it wasn’t solid, wasn’t a singular, specific thing that he could pinpoint and shut down. it was feelings and thoughts and ideas coming from everywhere, little pieces drilling into his brain over and over again. it was a dissatisfaction not with himself, exactly, but with how he was portrayed to the world.

see, renjun wasn’t stupid. he knew his way around the internet, and he’d tried his best to word what he was feeling and search it up, if only to see that others were experiencing the same thing as him. he remembered the anxiety crawling around his stomach when he’d found not one, but multiple results telling him that what he felt was real and valid and _he was not alone_. he remembered the way he shook his head, even though it was 1:00 am and he was hidden under his covers and no one was there to see him, because _no no no this could not be the reason this was not the reason_. because humans were born as they were supposed to be, right? god didn’t make mistakes, right? he remembered the fear and confusion as they made their way through his mind, the questions asking themselves and finding no answers that made any sense because this went against everything he’d learnt.

he remembered switching off his phone and closing his eyes, trying to sleep and forget everything he’d just read – dismiss it as something that others may go through, but which he never would. because he wasn’t a mistake, right?

now, when he felt like he was going to be sick any minute, he was starting to rethink everything. he’d done some more research after (curiousity really would be the death of renjun), and as much as it terrified, a lot of people’s experiences matched up with what he was going through.

renjun didn’t understand why he was scared. maybe it was because giving a name to the whole thing made it feel more real, and less like something that would go away if given a day or two. maybe it was because it directly challenged his entire upbringing. maybe because coming to terms with what he read about might mean telling his family – his other members, his friends, and everyone close to him _and he didn’t know if he could do that._

caught up in his own mind, renjun didn’t notice the door of the room creak open gently.

“injun?”

the person in question shot up almost immediately, as if electrocuted. heart beating at a hundred miles per hour, he rubbed his hands over his eyes, attempting to look as if he was just tired instead of – instead of whatever that was.

“yeah?” he tried to keep his voice flat, calm, but he knew that some of his anxiety at being caught must’ve spilled out into the single syllable spoken.

mark, who had now stepped fully into the room, looked at the younger with concern clear in his eyes. he – mark – was fiddling with the hem of his sweater, something he only did when he was nervous about something. renjun hated it. he hated that he’d made mark worry about him, worry about something that probably wasn’t a big deal at all. “how are you feeling? we didn’t see you at dinner.”

 _curse mark lee,_ thought renjun bitterly. _curse him for being so goddamn thoughtful and caring and gentle all the time._ out loud, he said, “i’m doing okay,” wincing as the words came out sounding lame and thoughtless.

the other boy frowned, clearly not satisfied with that answer. he looked like he wanted to say something, but changed his mind at the last moment. “if you say so.”

there was a moment of silence that followed, neither of the two sure what to say. renjun stood right where he was, trying not to fidget too much or do anything that would make mark worry even more. after a few seconds, mark cleared his throat, saying, “well, we kept some dinner out for you. it’s on the table in the dining room, if you’re hungry.”

renjun gave the older boy the most grateful smile he could manage because he was, he was so so hungry. “thank you, mark. really.”

mark returned his smile with one of his own, reminding renjun not to take too long because the food would get cold, and he should take care of himself, okay?

as soon as the door shut behind him, renjun’s face crumpled up and his throat did the strange choking up thing it had been doing all morning. he shook his head, a bit like a dog after a shower, attempting to clear up his mind. his head was nothing but a jumble of feelings and words and _take care of yourself, okay?_

_okay, mark. i’ll try._

\---

a few days later, a tired and scared renjun told the other dream members that he had something he needed to talk to them about. mark, who seemed to have picked up on the other’s nervousness, shot him a smile that didn’t do much to calm his nerves, but reminded him that these boys were his closest friends, his _family_. he didn’t have anything to be scared about, right?

looking at their expectant faces, open and full of innocent curiosity as to why renjun needed to speak to them, he made up his mind.

“so. i’m not a boy? at least i don’t think so? it’s really really confusing and i’m not sure of anything really but this has been eating at me for at least the past two years and i hated keeping this from all of you because it felt i was lying to you but i think i’m finally ready to tell you and i hope this doesn’t change anything because i love you all so much and. yeah,”

renjun said all of this in a single breath, barely stopping in between to let himself word his thoughts or gauge the others’ reactions. now, after he was done with his announcement (would it be right to call it an announcement? it didn’t feel worthy of such a heavy word; at most, it felt like a simple statement. like a homecoming), renjun dared to look at the others faces.

jisung looked a little confused, but his eyes were shining with a fierce sort of protectiveness. chenle had a small smile on his face, as if he’d expected something like this – renjun was hardly surprised. jaemin was wearing a bright grin, and looked like he wanted to say something desperately, but was controlling himself. jeno was a little more somber, but had a matching smile that attempted to convey his support. donghyuck was practically glowing, looking happier than he’d ever seen the other in his life, and mark? mark just looked proud.

they all did.

jisung was the first to break the short silence. “of course this doesn’t change anything, hyung. we love you!”

those words – no matter how simple or childish or plain – made renjun want to hug the younger boy. the sureness behind them, the reassurance that it brought to him, was worth more than anything. before renjun could say any of that, however, the others took jisung’s icebreaker as an opening for their own assurances.

“we’re so proud of you, renjun.”

“thank you for trusting us with this.”

“if anyone gives you shit for this i’ll beat them up!”

“we love you, okay?”

“i’m so happy for you.”

renjun felt so so overwhelmed – but in a good way, the best way. his friends were all standing by him now, smothering him in hugs (and kisses, in the form of jaemin and donghyuck), and he’d never felt more loved or happy before.

“i- thank you guys so much,” the words came out soft, since renjun didn’t trust his ability to speak properly without bursting into tears.

“of course, injun.” jeno replied, just as quietly.

“is there any specific way you want us to refer to you? different pronouns, different name?” mark asked – he was the only one who hadn’t been physically attacking him with love, but renjun could feel his adoration and pride from miles away.

renjun looked down at his feet. “i was thinking i’d prefer more neutral pronouns? they and them, maybe?”

donghyuck shot him a blinding grin, and the others smiled in a similar fashion. “got it, chief.”

\---

coming out wasn’t the nightmare that renjun had expected it to be, but then again, they were blessed with some of the best friends in the universe. later, when they told the other nct members, renjun was met with a similar response – love and affection and vows of constant protection. ten had even talked to them separately, later, and made them promise to come to him if they ever needed any help dealing with dysphoric attacks. renjun promised, their heart full at knowing that _they were not alone_.

they were not alone, and they had the most wonderful family who had their back at all times.

 

**Author's Note:**

> hey! i just want u to know that if you've experienced / are experiencing dysphoria you are so so strong and so valid and i love you! you will get through this, better times will come, bad days will pass. please never feel pressured to come out if you don't want to, it doesn't make you any less strong and you should do it at your own pace and when you feel most comfortable<3 
> 
> come talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/sapphicgin) or [curiouscat](curiouscat.me/fthwalls) !!


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